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                首頁 > 文章詳情 > 李靜:九型人格親子完全版

                李靜:九型人格親子完全版

                作者:李靜
                閱讀:12744
                評論:2
                發布于:2019-10-09 21:47:08.0


                學習九型系統(Enneagram)有助于父母擁抱孩子的特質,否則有些父母可能會強制孩子成為他們的復制品。


                在任何家庭教育的討論中,首先需要闡明的是:孩子的性格類型不是家長創造出來的。


                所有九型系統的老師和研究者一致認同,性格類型以氣質為基礎,雖然我們并不完全理解,但這是與生俱來的。


                一個孩子來到這世界上,他或她的性格類型已經由出生前的事件決定,盡管我們并不全然知曉。


                有觀點認為,決定性格類型的因素有:遺傳,胎兒在子宮時發生的事件,母親的情感狀態,甚至是過去世,以及一個靈魂為了學習某種類型的性格而去成為那種性格類型的需要。


                但真相是,我們真的不知道形成這些類型的所有成因。


                這并不是說早期的家庭狀況和父母的影響不重要。

                恰恰相反。


                盡管它們不是性格類型的成因,但對孩子的情感健康狀況有著高度的影響。


                一個足夠幸運的孩子能出生在父母狀態都較為平衡的家庭,他/她的人生就會是自己性格類型的相對健康的體現。相對的,一個出生在相對不太正常的家庭中的孩子,就不得不關閉自己天生的開放性、自然、活力,并且需要對家庭中存在的種種違背常規的現象建立起防御。


                在作者看來,(家庭中的)第一個孩子會處于更健康的發展水平(Level of Development),而第二個孩子的成長則處于大體上較低、不夠健康的水平。因此,第二個孩子會比第一個孩子遇到更多的情感挑戰。


                簡而言之,家庭教育是重要的——它不制造性格類型,但是會影響一個孩子性格類型的健康程度。


                因此并不難看到,當家長運用諸如九型系統這樣的心理兼靈性工具來對自己做工作時,他們不僅是在做有益自己的事,更是為孩子準備一個潛在的最好的禮物——一個情感上健康的童年和更快樂的未來。


                家長如果能幫助孩子們發展起自尊、穩定的情緒、開放的好奇心、對自己的信任、懂得享受生活、力量、自信、與自己輕松相處、自我管理的能力、對自己和他人的共情能力(以上為九種類型的品質),就會為發展孩子所有的潛力,為孩子未來的成就搭建舞臺。


                并不是每個孩子都容易讓家長滿意和適應,對家長而言最值得去覺察的部分,就是他們和孩子之間的匹配度的差異(differences of fit)。


                如果父母雙方都是精力充沛,喜歡社交,性格外向,而他們的孩子卻安靜、嚴肅、沉默寡言,那么家長和孩子之間就會產生很大差異。


                孩子也許會在無意識中感覺他/她讓父母失望了,這會給孩子造成嚴重的情感困難。


                父母也許會操縱或迫使孩子更像他們。或者,父母可能會因不理解自己的孩子、甚至無法完全喜愛、欣賞自己的孩子而感到罪責或做得不夠充分。


                通過九型系統,父母與可以更加清晰地了解自己與孩子的差異點。這并不說僅僅理解就可以解決任何潛在的問題。但如果連了解都沒有,那么問題將永遠是個問題,永遠無法真正解決。


                所以,家長需要看見:

                孩子不是可以根據自己的情感需求來塑造的私有物,而是有自己的價值、有尊嚴、也值得被尊敬的獨立個體。

                無論孩子是哪個類型,家長總是對于自己的孩子抱有期望的,以下簡單列出了不同類型的家長對自己孩子的一些主要期待,如果你可以覺察這些無意識的期待,不讓自己掌控孩子、不逼他們想自己,將會對于改善親子關系大有好處。


                家長對孩子有哪些期待:


                一號家長:

                也許會要求孩子自我掌控,理智,規范,以及不要急于自夸——他們的孩子可能會成為小大人。


                圖中對話:

                “除了一些規則,一點點自律,公平的評判,還有熱水澡,其他的都不行!”

                “我一輩子都要不停地被糾正嗎?”


                二號家長:

                也許會要求孩子慷慨,體貼,助人,關注他人——他們的孩子可能會成為小助手。


                圖中對話:

                “我太愛我的寶寶了,我要為他付出一切!一切!”

                “媽?媽?我不能呼吸了!你這樣讓我窒息......”


                三號家長:

                也許會要求孩子杰出地完成任務,實現家人的期望,物質層面的完美,受歡迎——他們的孩子是小明星。


                圖中對話:

                “再見,親愛的!(今日清單,商務早餐,會議,約會...)”

                “好吧...至少我把這些事列在清單上了。”


                四號家長:

                也許會要求孩子具有敏感性,藝術的創造力,情感的深度,理解——他們的孩子是小治療師。


                圖中對話:

                “我們會一起去畫廊,一起去巴黎旅行,一起吃巧克力面包,在塞納河邊喝卡布其諾。”

                “吃麥當勞可沒門兒。”


                五號家長:

                也許會要求孩子獨立,好學,智力上的天賦,好奇心——他們的孩子可以是小天才。


                圖中對話:

                “一個原子是由一個極小的正極原子核組成,它的周圍有一大群負極電子。盡管典型的電子的大小......”

                “哦,天哪,我什么時候才能告訴他,科學讓我想吐,但是我踢足球很厲害?”


                六號家長:

                也許會要求孩子乖巧,服從,堅持,可靠——他們的孩子會是老練的小演員。


                圖中對話:

                “親愛的,讓蠟燭離你越遠越好...把蠟燭立直一點,不然它很快就會燒完了,你的手指會被燙到,如果起火了,我有滅火器備用。”

                “媽...這只是一根火柴!”


                七號家長:

                也許會要求孩子活力,良好的幽默感,彈性,自然——他們的孩子是小娛樂家。


                圖中對話:

                “今天翹課吧!我們去沖浪,然后到市里參加和平游行。這才是我所說的教育!”

                “我知道他是個酷爸,但我真的需要準備考試啊。”


                八號家長:

                也許會要求孩子堅韌,自給自足,勇氣,意志力——他們的孩子是小企業家。


                圖中對話:

                “這是一個殘忍的世界,我的兒子得堅強。我會給他鋼鐵般的愛,讓他足夠強大。”

                “啊。我這一生都要努力向我爸證明,我夠強大夠頑強,不是嗎?”


                九號家長:

                也許會要求孩子安靜,缺乏需求,溫和,不索取——他們的孩子是小天使。


                呃….九號家長這張圖沒有對話……

                家長對孩子能抱持的最好態度之一,就是以驚喜的好奇心去支持孩子展現他們自己。

                在教育孩子的過程中,只有一件事是確定的:孩子會以出乎你預料的方式發展。


                如果家長試圖阻礙孩子自然地呈現自己,那么孩子就無法成功做自己。孩子不會變成你設定的樣子,但是有可能會變得扭曲和神經質。


                因此,家長最好觀察孩子的類型(它的與生俱來的天賦與能力),引發孩子所屬類型的最佳面向,而不是把他/她改變成與自己真實樣子完全不同的人。


                附英文原文:

                Ennegramand Parenthood


                Learning the Enneagram encouragesparents to embrace their child’s unique personality. Otherwise some will pushtheir children to be replicas of themselves.


                What needs to be said right away inany discussion of parenting is that parents do not create a child'spersonality type. All Enneagram teachers and researchers agree thatpersonality type is built on temperament and that, in ways we do not fullyunderstand, this is inborn. A child comes into the world with his or herpersonality type already determined by prenatal events, although we do not knowwhat all of these are. There are theories that type is determined by genetics,by in utero events, by the emotional state of the mother, or even bypast lives and the need for a soul to be a certain type to learn the lessons ofthat type. But the truth is, we really do not know all of the causes of type.


                This is not to say that earlyfamily conditions and parental influences are not important: far from it. Whilethey do not cause type, they highly influence how emotionally healthy orunhealthy a child becomes. A child who is fortunate enough to be born into afamily of well-balanced parents will start life as a relatively healthy exampleof his or her type. Conversely, a child who is born into a relativelydysfunctional family will have to close down his natural openness, spontaneity,and vitality and need to erect defenses against the various forms of violationthat exist in the family. In the authors' terms, one child will be at ahealthier Level of Development, while the second child will grow up at asubstantially lower, unhealthier, Level. Hence, the second child will have moreemotional challenges than the first child.


                In short, parenting does count—notto produce a personality type, but to influence how healthy a child of thattype will be. It is therefore not difficult to see that when parents work onthemselves through psychospiritual tools such as the Enneagram, they are notonly doing something good for themselves, they are making possible one of thegreatest gifts they could give their children—an emotionally healthy childhoodand a happier future.Parents who help their child develop self- esteem,emotional stability, open curiosity, trust in self, an enjoyment of life,strength and self-confidence, easiness with themselves, the ability to regulatethemselves, and empathy for self and others (qualities found in the nine types)set the stage for the development of all of their child's potentials and futureaccomplishments.


                One of the most useful areas forparents to become aware of is thedifferences offitbetween themselves and their children. Not every child will be an easy fit forevery parent. If two parents are highly energetic, sociable, and extroverted,and their child is quiet, serious, and reserved, the fit between the parentsand the child can become strained. The child may unconsciously feel that he orshe is a disappointment to the parents, which can cause serious emotionaldifficulties for the child. The parents might try to manipulate or pressure thechild to be more like them. Or they might feel guilty or inadequate for notunderstanding their child—or even for not completely liking and enjoying theirchild.


                Differences of fit between parentsand children can become more clearly understood with the Enneagram. This is notto say that understanding alone will be enough to undo any potential problems.But without insight and understanding there can be no solution to problems.Above all, parents need to see their children not as their possessions to bemolded according to their own emotional needs but as independent beings whohave their own value and are worthy of being treated with dignity and respect.


                The following chart indicates a fewof the major expectations of each type of parent toward their children, nomatter what type their children may actually be. Being aware of theseunconscious expectations and not allowing yourself to manipulate your childreninto having to measure up to them will go a long way toward improving parent-childrelationships.


                What Parents Expect from TheirChildren


                Type One

                May demand self-control,reasonableness, regularity, and the ability to delay rewards—that their childbe a Little Adult


                Type Two

                May demand generosity,thoughtfulness, helpfulness, and attention to others—that their child be aLittle Helper


                Type Three

                May demand being outstanding attasks, fulfilling family hopes, physical perfection, and popularity—that theirchild be a Little Star


                Type Four

                May demand sensitivity, artistic creativity,emotional depth, and understanding—that their child be a Little Therapist


                Type Five

                May demand independence,studiousness, intellectual gifts, and curiosity—that their child be a LittleGenius


                Type Six

                May demand dependability,obedience, perseverance, and trustworthiness—that their child be a LittleTrouper


                Type Seven

                May demand vitality, good humor,resilience, and spontaneity—that their child be a Little Entertainer


                Type Eight

                May demand toughness,self-sufficiency, courage, and willpower—that their child be a LittleEntrepreneur


                Type Nine

                May demand quietness, lack ofdemands, gentleness, and non-needinesss—that their child be a Little Angel


                One of the best attitudes forparents to have toward their children is an amazed curiosity to support thechild's own unfolding. In childrearing, only one thing is certain: childrenwill develop in unexpected ways. If parents try to block the child's naturalunfolding, they will not succeed. The unfolding will not stop but merely becomedistorted and neurotic. It is therefore always best for the parent to observethe child's type (with its innate gifts and capacities) and to elicit thebest aspects of the child's type rather than try to change him or her intosomeone fundamentally different from who he or she already is.

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